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Advice for Newbies

I often get asked for advice on “how to start” -  it is true that there are many advice sites and how to sites, and wading through them to sift out what is practical and what is not, can take some time and effort.

 

So here is what i say to people who contact me asking “how to get started”

 

Get some reading material:

 

There is a fabulous book called “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon.

This book gives an overview of what we do and why, and it has tips and tricks and safety information, and illustrations etc.

 

Two other authors i recommend are Peter Masters and Robert Rubel,

Both have written several books on M/s and D/s relationships.

 

Peter Masters Click here for his website

 

Robert Rubel  Click here for his website

 

 

Join Fetlife and find your local community. Fetlife is like facebook but for kinky people. Once you join (and it’s free) you can find others who are in your area, you can find classes, gatherings, events all nearby.

 

Go to a munch – contact the organiser, tell him or her that you are new and would like to come along. Get to know the people, when you are ready find an event to go, or a class where you can learn things.

 

Once you start to meet real people in your local area, you will probably find someone that you are interested in or who is interested in you.

 

You should start by having a chat over a coffee in a public place, you should do this at least a few times before you agree to anything.

You need to have a conversation about needs, wants, desires, about rules and the consequences of breaking the rules, about how the relationship will work, and how it looks so that you are both on the same page.

 

Make sure you ask for references  and ask how much experience he or she has, who was the teacher, how long as he or she been in this lifestyle, were there past subs or slaves and if so, what happened?

 

If something feels wrong, it probably is, so my advice is to always "go with your guts". There are many genuine people out there looking for other genuine people but there are also many predators and wannabe's - so be careful and go slowly. 

 

Remember that communication, honesty and trust are the cornerstones for a successful relationship, so do lots of talking and be honest with each other, and that way trust is built.

 

©Kim Debron 2015

Negotiation - my 10 steps.

·       Always make the first meeting in a public place, and have a safe call organised.

·       Make sure at least one person knows where you are going.

·       If possible, ask for references and check them out – genuine people have no problem in giving references.

·       Be wary of someone who says he or she has years of experience but does not attend events or clubs.

·       Remember that not everyone tells the truth on the internet

·       Before you play – have a conversation about expectations and limits, and safe words

         (if you get told that you do not need a safe word –RUN away!)

·       Don’t be in a rush to play, and when you do, start slowly.

·       Be honest if you have any health issues.

·       Remember that play does not have to include sexual activity.

·       Remember to have fun.

 

 

 

© Kim Debron. 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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